...my fourth grade teacher, was strangled by her husband.
No, not today, 19 years ago. But I am reminded of it today.
RIP, Mrs. Dudiak.
Friday, January 29, 2010
Sunday, January 10, 2010
My Retirement, Your Destruction
My application for the new 401(k) program that my company is participating in sits completed but unsubmitted. Here is why:
BlackRock Large Cap Core Inv C fund's holdings are
ExxonMobil Corporation 2.56%
Verizon Communications Inc. 1.96%
Conoco Phillips 1.66%
Philip Morris International Inc 1.91%
Goldman Sachs Group, Inc 1.54%
Oppenheimer Equity C
Chevron Corporation 2.34%
Merck & Co., Inc. 2.11%
Goldman Sachs Group, Inc. 1.77%
AIM International Growth C fund.
Nestle 2.55%
I fund fucking NESTLE.
6 more funds, I won't list them all.
My paltry few thousands, but hundreds of thousands of us working stiffs, each of us afraid of being burdens on our children, afraid of being elderly and unable to have a subsistence-supporting income, afraid of us not being able to afford medications in our twilight years, afraid of finding ourselves eating cat food because social security isn't enough to cover our rent... we all innocently fund our 401k's, and help further the interests of gigantic megamultinational corporations which pillage the resources and humanity of developing nations.
And by letting 401k dollars be tax-free, our government touts this financial vehicle as the preferred way for Americans to save for their retirement. It erased the word "pension" from its lexicon.
I stand by this thought fervently: the American way of life is just one big act of violence.
BlackRock Large Cap Core Inv C fund's holdings are
ExxonMobil Corporation 2.56%
Verizon Communications Inc. 1.96%
Conoco Phillips 1.66%
Philip Morris International Inc 1.91%
Goldman Sachs Group, Inc 1.54%
Oppenheimer Equity C
Chevron Corporation 2.34%
Merck & Co., Inc. 2.11%
Goldman Sachs Group, Inc. 1.77%
AIM International Growth C fund.
Nestle 2.55%
I fund fucking NESTLE.
6 more funds, I won't list them all.
My paltry few thousands, but hundreds of thousands of us working stiffs, each of us afraid of being burdens on our children, afraid of being elderly and unable to have a subsistence-supporting income, afraid of us not being able to afford medications in our twilight years, afraid of finding ourselves eating cat food because social security isn't enough to cover our rent... we all innocently fund our 401k's, and help further the interests of gigantic megamultinational corporations which pillage the resources and humanity of developing nations.
And by letting 401k dollars be tax-free, our government touts this financial vehicle as the preferred way for Americans to save for their retirement. It erased the word "pension" from its lexicon.
I stand by this thought fervently: the American way of life is just one big act of violence.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Brussel Sprout Forest & Other Lovely Nonsense
Once upon a time, a little CeCe went on a stroll to Ontario. She came across a lovely Butterfly Conservatory, where she watched many beautiful, airy creatures flutter by, splashing the air with bursts of color.
Later, she continued her stroll down long tree-lined corridors in the setting autumn sun.
She found herself in a magical Brussel Sprout Forest!
Then, she pooped her pants, giggled, and went home. THE END!
Later, she continued her stroll down long tree-lined corridors in the setting autumn sun.
She found herself in a magical Brussel Sprout Forest!
Then, she pooped her pants, giggled, and went home. THE END!
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Ideology Is... #1: a toy cash-register, in all its forms
I've been thinking of getting CeCe a "computer" appropriate for those whose fingers are about an inch long and who sport drooly chins. So I headed out to Toys'R'Us, hoping to get her one.
There are many of these gizmos that clam-shell open and shut like an adult laptop, but the "screen" is closer to what you'd see on a pager made in 1980 than a real computer monitor. Many of these don't have QWERTY-style keyboards, which just puts them out of the running for me (I should really be arranging alphabet letters in the form of QWERTY on our walls instead of according to the alphabet song).
Some are gendered simply(pink vs blue) some are gendered more complexly (Barbie vs Spiderman). You would think that technology might be asexual enough to help free us from this constraint, but then again, they do call the receptor port "female" and the port with pins "male"... so much for that.
But what dismayed me very much was to see a small toy cash register.
Why do we need to teach our child to use a cash register and what it is for? Is it because we already think her future involves her standing in a small cubby spot and using one? Is it because we see her ready to be poised to say, "Welcome to _____, can I take your order?" already?
But then again... what is my laptop, owned by my company and shared with me to do my job, if not just a much larger, more robustly functional, portable cash register?
In the end, I got her a nonsensical "zoo" themed toy that has a stick by which she can make a plastic monkey dance. (She prefers wacking the monkey directly to make it dance.)
There are many of these gizmos that clam-shell open and shut like an adult laptop, but the "screen" is closer to what you'd see on a pager made in 1980 than a real computer monitor. Many of these don't have QWERTY-style keyboards, which just puts them out of the running for me (I should really be arranging alphabet letters in the form of QWERTY on our walls instead of according to the alphabet song).
Some are gendered simply(pink vs blue) some are gendered more complexly (Barbie vs Spiderman). You would think that technology might be asexual enough to help free us from this constraint, but then again, they do call the receptor port "female" and the port with pins "male"... so much for that.
But what dismayed me very much was to see a small toy cash register.
Why do we need to teach our child to use a cash register and what it is for? Is it because we already think her future involves her standing in a small cubby spot and using one? Is it because we see her ready to be poised to say, "Welcome to _____, can I take your order?" already?
But then again... what is my laptop, owned by my company and shared with me to do my job, if not just a much larger, more robustly functional, portable cash register?
In the end, I got her a nonsensical "zoo" themed toy that has a stick by which she can make a plastic monkey dance. (She prefers wacking the monkey directly to make it dance.)
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Tare caking. I mean, care taking.
Yesterday I introduced CeCe to a "first" that I would rather have not: her first fall. And it doesn't matter that there was no blood and no cuts, no bruises or broken bones, or that it was only from the height of the couch. It's the fact that it was my fault that haunts me. I propped her up in a really stupid way too close to the edge, and then went to my office. I intended to only be away for a second, checking for E-mails -- ironically, messages from potential care-takers from CeCe -- when a loud thud could be heard. Both Rich & I ran to the play area, and sure as shit, she'd rolled off. In the aftermath, only a slight red mark was on her head; I think it came not from the floor, but from this plastic lap-desk that I had on the floor next to the couch. A slight red mark, and then a red-faced CeCe, who rightfully screamed at me and cried... What the fuck was I doing, leaving her sit like that? And what if I had left a drinking glass there, she could've smashed it and lost an eye! And ___! and ___! And ... And someone tell me why am I allowed to continue to have this uterus, when it should be stripped from me so that I cannot curse another hapless living creature into my care?!
And the added insult of this incident is that it didn't need to happen, if only I'd not made a previous bungle of trying to switch up meeting times with the interviewees. Earlier in the day, before the fall, I met with the first candidate at Wegmans. She was very sweet and quite nice but it turned out that it just wasn't helpful to be outside of the regular environment. I couldn't show her what the pocket-style cloth diapers were like, and I couldn't tell if our level of lifestyle messiness would gross her out or not. CeCe sat with her and didn't really seem to mind, but again, we weren't in the regular environment; CeCe may have been too distracted to be her normal self. After considering this, I contacted the remaining candidates to instead come to my house. But because I did this switcheroo in what really was super-short notice (it was Saturday for fuxsakes, not all people check their e-mail a ridiculous amount of times in an hour like I do), I frantically was checking E-mail to see if the next set of candidates got the message in time. Hence me running back to the office & CeCe's ensuing fall off the couch.
I then started condemning myself for being overly paranoid & scheduling the meetings outside the house to begin with. What the hell do I have worth stealing? If I really didn't trust them enough to meet in my home, why was I doing this in the first place? Then Rich started in on me, "The next time we do this, just pick one person at a time. Don't waste peoples' time like this." (But they were the ones who'd contacted ME first, I didn't solicit them!) So overall, I started feeling like a dumbass for how I'd handled this entire process from the get-go.
CeCe's fall was in the 2.5 hour gap between the first and second candidate. We headed back to Wegmans, this time all 3 of us. Rich had gone off to get us coffee, and when he made it back, he spilled one right on me. For a few seconds my right thigh was burning with cream and 4 sugars. Only a little got on CeCe, who I'd like to think karmically caused this spill to happen to Bad Mommy. And after 40 minutes of waiting, we headed home and candidate #2 was a no-show. It later turned out that she had E-mailed me somewhere in the hubbub to retract her interest (due to the distance between our homes) and I didn't get notification of it til I got home. I totally understood her reasons, but this bummed us out: she was our only bilingual candidate and it would've been nice if CeCe had exposure to Spanish. We were actually going to if she'd mind speaking ONLY Spanish to CeCe, too.
After meeting the remaining two candidates, we have decided to go with the first one I met after all -- which just reinforced that if I'd only gone with the one-at-a-time method like Rich had said, this all could've been avoided. ALL OF IT.
...Does anyone have a "Kick Me" sign I could borrow?
The third candidate was really quite nice as well. She even has experience with special-needs children, which translates to me that she's a very patient and caring person. But the first candidate seemed equally sweet and caring, is currently helping out with her sister's baby (5 months old), and she lives within walking distance. CeCe was napping while the interview was going on and I didn't want to wake her after the way the day had been going, so I didn't get to see how she was with Candidate #3.
...the fourth candidate wore too much perfume and said that her 3 kids were living with her mother down in Florida still, "for the school that they go to." Something about that, about leaving your 3 kids, but looking after mine, does not ring right with me... I did not let her hold CeCe at all.
And the added insult of this incident is that it didn't need to happen, if only I'd not made a previous bungle of trying to switch up meeting times with the interviewees. Earlier in the day, before the fall, I met with the first candidate at Wegmans. She was very sweet and quite nice but it turned out that it just wasn't helpful to be outside of the regular environment. I couldn't show her what the pocket-style cloth diapers were like, and I couldn't tell if our level of lifestyle messiness would gross her out or not. CeCe sat with her and didn't really seem to mind, but again, we weren't in the regular environment; CeCe may have been too distracted to be her normal self. After considering this, I contacted the remaining candidates to instead come to my house. But because I did this switcheroo in what really was super-short notice (it was Saturday for fuxsakes, not all people check their e-mail a ridiculous amount of times in an hour like I do), I frantically was checking E-mail to see if the next set of candidates got the message in time. Hence me running back to the office & CeCe's ensuing fall off the couch.
I then started condemning myself for being overly paranoid & scheduling the meetings outside the house to begin with. What the hell do I have worth stealing? If I really didn't trust them enough to meet in my home, why was I doing this in the first place? Then Rich started in on me, "The next time we do this, just pick one person at a time. Don't waste peoples' time like this." (But they were the ones who'd contacted ME first, I didn't solicit them!) So overall, I started feeling like a dumbass for how I'd handled this entire process from the get-go.
CeCe's fall was in the 2.5 hour gap between the first and second candidate. We headed back to Wegmans, this time all 3 of us. Rich had gone off to get us coffee, and when he made it back, he spilled one right on me. For a few seconds my right thigh was burning with cream and 4 sugars. Only a little got on CeCe, who I'd like to think karmically caused this spill to happen to Bad Mommy. And after 40 minutes of waiting, we headed home and candidate #2 was a no-show. It later turned out that she had E-mailed me somewhere in the hubbub to retract her interest (due to the distance between our homes) and I didn't get notification of it til I got home. I totally understood her reasons, but this bummed us out: she was our only bilingual candidate and it would've been nice if CeCe had exposure to Spanish. We were actually going to if she'd mind speaking ONLY Spanish to CeCe, too.
After meeting the remaining two candidates, we have decided to go with the first one I met after all -- which just reinforced that if I'd only gone with the one-at-a-time method like Rich had said, this all could've been avoided. ALL OF IT.
...Does anyone have a "Kick Me" sign I could borrow?
The third candidate was really quite nice as well. She even has experience with special-needs children, which translates to me that she's a very patient and caring person. But the first candidate seemed equally sweet and caring, is currently helping out with her sister's baby (5 months old), and she lives within walking distance. CeCe was napping while the interview was going on and I didn't want to wake her after the way the day had been going, so I didn't get to see how she was with Candidate #3.
...the fourth candidate wore too much perfume and said that her 3 kids were living with her mother down in Florida still, "for the school that they go to." Something about that, about leaving your 3 kids, but looking after mine, does not ring right with me... I did not let her hold CeCe at all.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
It's Marry Poppins! -- or not
So today I meet with 4 potential in-home care providers. We will be meeting at Wegmans in the cafe area, far in the back. I am meeting 1 at 12, then 1 at 3:30, one at 4:30 and 1 at 5. Seems like a lot to go through for someone to come into the house and watch CeCe 1 day a week *while* I am still there inside the home... but this is the way it must be.
Doing this lets Rich get out of the house to do research @ the poetry collection. Which must be done! NOW!!!
I received an interesting E-mail over FB today. Someone had a friend who was pregnant, and this friend was looking for OB/GYN services. This person wrote me because I first came to mind.
Well first, the "I'm asking for a friend" modus operandi is always slightly dubious but in a way that you'd politely just blink and say "of course you are."
Second, the message didn't really say if the person's friend was happy or sad about being pregnant. So, I recommended one woman (my midwife) for maternity care & birthing services, and then a second woman who "provides services that meet a woman's complete set of choices." This was a weird way of putting it, but I didn't know how to express, "Well, if your friend is not planning to continue her pregnancy to term and instead needs abortion services, then see this other doctor I know of." Was that the wrong way to approach it? I'd have felt bad if I only recommended one without being sensitive to the other possible situation... but then again, perhaps *I* should know better than that; why would this person (who I don't really talk to or truly consider a friend, despite being "friends" on FB-land) contact me about the OTHER option?
Way to start over-thinking the Saturday. Woo me.
Doing this lets Rich get out of the house to do research @ the poetry collection. Which must be done! NOW!!!
I received an interesting E-mail over FB today. Someone had a friend who was pregnant, and this friend was looking for OB/GYN services. This person wrote me because I first came to mind.
Well first, the "I'm asking for a friend" modus operandi is always slightly dubious but in a way that you'd politely just blink and say "of course you are."
Second, the message didn't really say if the person's friend was happy or sad about being pregnant. So, I recommended one woman (my midwife) for maternity care & birthing services, and then a second woman who "provides services that meet a woman's complete set of choices." This was a weird way of putting it, but I didn't know how to express, "Well, if your friend is not planning to continue her pregnancy to term and instead needs abortion services, then see this other doctor I know of." Was that the wrong way to approach it? I'd have felt bad if I only recommended one without being sensitive to the other possible situation... but then again, perhaps *I* should know better than that; why would this person (who I don't really talk to or truly consider a friend, despite being "friends" on FB-land) contact me about the OTHER option?
Way to start over-thinking the Saturday. Woo me.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Solid Food!
Little CeCe has had her first encounter with "solid" foods this evening! I was going to hold off and wait until she hit her 4-month birthday, but the looks she's been giving us the past week when seeing us eat broke our hearts. Today was just the last straw for exclusive breastfeeding; it's time to make way for things like bowls and spoons!
As usual, I breast-fed her first before making myself a ham'n'cheese sandwich for lunch. I sat down with her and ate it, and she just looked totally bummed again (this isn't the first time she's shown us this forlorn look when we are eating and she's not). Rich later made a sandwich at 3pm and he said she looked sad, then, too.
So I gave in and when we ran to Wegmans, our items included Earth's Best organic rice cereal, a set of silicone-covered metal spoons, and a set of small bpa-free plastic containers with lids.
Right before eating dinner, I pumped out some milk, dumped it into one of the little bowls, and then topped it off with a pouring of the blandest-looking cereal ever. Then I stirred it all up until it was just slightly thicker than breast milk... and then in front of her, I held up my bowl of food: "Mommy's." Then I held up her bowl of food: "CeCe's!" I ate from my bowl: "Mommy eats." Then I scooped up a bit of gruel on her little tiny spoon... "CeCe eats!" and... I spilled some on her bib -- but I got some in her mouth too! And she DIDN'T HATE IT! I was expecting a fight or a struggle, but mid-way, she was actually grabbing the hand that was holding the spoon and pushing it towards her little mouth. Rich and I took turns, I couldn't take all this fun for myself.
Afterward, I brought her over to the couch (the one that she was born on) where we spend a lot of time playing & cuddling, and she just looked so happy; she knew she'd hit some sort of personal milestone, getting to eat with Mommy & Daddy. Her eyes were so filled with a mixture of joy and accomplishment. She always likes standing on those two chubby getaway sticks I call her legs, but this time, she looked like she stood a little bit taller, very pleased with herself, and grateful for us "getting it" and knowing what she wanted.
As usual, I breast-fed her first before making myself a ham'n'cheese sandwich for lunch. I sat down with her and ate it, and she just looked totally bummed again (this isn't the first time she's shown us this forlorn look when we are eating and she's not). Rich later made a sandwich at 3pm and he said she looked sad, then, too.
So I gave in and when we ran to Wegmans, our items included Earth's Best organic rice cereal, a set of silicone-covered metal spoons, and a set of small bpa-free plastic containers with lids.
Right before eating dinner, I pumped out some milk, dumped it into one of the little bowls, and then topped it off with a pouring of the blandest-looking cereal ever. Then I stirred it all up until it was just slightly thicker than breast milk... and then in front of her, I held up my bowl of food: "Mommy's." Then I held up her bowl of food: "CeCe's!" I ate from my bowl: "Mommy eats." Then I scooped up a bit of gruel on her little tiny spoon... "CeCe eats!" and... I spilled some on her bib -- but I got some in her mouth too! And she DIDN'T HATE IT! I was expecting a fight or a struggle, but mid-way, she was actually grabbing the hand that was holding the spoon and pushing it towards her little mouth. Rich and I took turns, I couldn't take all this fun for myself.
Afterward, I brought her over to the couch (the one that she was born on) where we spend a lot of time playing & cuddling, and she just looked so happy; she knew she'd hit some sort of personal milestone, getting to eat with Mommy & Daddy. Her eyes were so filled with a mixture of joy and accomplishment. She always likes standing on those two chubby getaway sticks I call her legs, but this time, she looked like she stood a little bit taller, very pleased with herself, and grateful for us "getting it" and knowing what she wanted.
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